Aug 16, 2022 34 min read Attachment Styles

How to Heal Your Attachment Wounds

This is for you if you've ever found yourself trying to convince someone to love you - or show you they mean it. If you run from vulnerability, even when you want it. Or if you never really know what to expect, and it shows.

Photo by Sinitta Leunen / Unsplash

I think it's safe to say relationships feel pretty impossible for a lot of people right now.

Even when you find someone you would think you mesh well with, insecurity shows up.

Jealousy shows up. Avoidance shows up. Conflicting expectations show up.

What does a title mean, anyway?

Conflicting needs show up.

We surprise each other, and not always in a good way. We keep each other guessing. Overwhelm each other. And if we get really close and hit it off, oftentimes, chaos shows up. We push each other away, even if we mean to bring them closer.

And immediately, we think the other person should change.

You have two people fighting for their needs to be met by the other person they're in a relationship with. Fighting for the other person to show up differently.

But what if it should be the other way around, sometimes?

What if relationships really are damn near impossible...

Until you focus on how YOU show up, instead.

The Key to Feeling More Secure in Relationships: Attachment Theory (for Dummies)

If you've never heard of attachment theory, it all started with this guy John Bowlby.

Basically, a British psychologist discovered that our early childhood relationships with caregivers determined how we would behave in relationships as adults.

Meaning those insecurities you have today? The jealous streak? The aversion to vulnerability? Fear of abandonment? etc.

Yeah almost all of those patterns set in by the time you were around 2 years old fam.

So you can stop blaming your S.O. for "making" you jealous. Or "making" you feel overwhelmed and not want to open up. Especially if you're saying this about every S.O.

These aren't their patterns. They're yours. And no, you didn't ask for them. But they've been around for a long time, and will continue to be until you stop blaming your new loves and connections.

It's Daddy's fault. Blame him. (or whoever).

Anyway, Bowlby and other researchers put these patterns into categories called attachment styles. There are 4 of them, and everyone has one.

Three of them are insecure types. One of which is probably yours since you're reading an article about being secure in relationships.

There are a lot of us insecure types. We're basically carrying around these gaping wounds our caregivers gave us in childhood. And we're also letting these wounds wreak havoc all over our current relationships that trigger us because we don't know what else to do with them.

It's not your fault. But it is your problem, and this article will help you fix it.

And lastly, one of the attachment styles is a secure attachment style.

These people are, well, fine. No big gaping wounds. Just the regular scrapes & bruises and they know how to deal with them and recover alright. Not a lot of drama. They had decent parents I guess. The rest of us think they're boring.

We're adrenaline junkies, in a way, and these secure types are suspiciously safe.

We like to doubt their capacity for kink, which is probably problematic.

Believe it or not, though, this Vanilla Bean Frappuccino brand of human is actually winning the game. They're better at relationships than us, straight up.

They know how to find and keep relationships long-term.

They know how to love and be loved. And they know how to enjoy it, instead of being afraid of emotions and abandonment all the time like the rest of us.

Anyway I'll be going very in-depth on all of these, but here's a crash course on what the attachment styles are and where they come from.

Related:

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style - Referred to as "Ambivalent" in Early Research

Anxiously Attached people tend to have childhood relationships marked by unavailable caregivers.

This includes emotional unavailability, not just physical availability.

Even if the caregivers weren't particularly abusive or neglectful, they still weren't particularly present.

Ultimately, an anxious attachment style comes from abandonment wounds.

As a result, these children were conditioned to have a scarcity mindset around attachment. They don't trust presence even when it's available. They're constantly worried people will leave or that they won't be heard, valued, validated, understood, held. And they look for signs of this, everywhere, compulsively.

When we're in a preoccupied state, the behavior comes off almost as if we think you'll forget you love us.

These sweet babes developed a 6th sense for disconnect and changed vibes because they had to for survival in their youth.

Naturally, they grow into adults who also expect unavailability in partners, friends, etc. and are constantly looking for (and finding) signs that someone is unavailable.

And just like in childhood, the anxious person then tends to engage in protest behavior (become fixated or panic) when they see these signs, and fight or fawn for connection, to be seen, heard, understood, accepted, validated, etc.

Trigger: Signs of unavailability or pending abandonment

Primary Trauma Response: Fight/Fawn for avoidant connection. Flight from secure connections.

(Dismissive) Avoidant Attachment Style

In a nutshell, the avoidant person likely had a childhood marked by an abusive or flat-out neglectful caregiver (or multiple). They weren't just ignored. Many were met with punishment, consequence, or abuse tied to connection & reaches for connection. This includes emotional needs.

They were actively and painfully deterred from being vulnerable and relying on their caregivers for support.

So if you ask many avoidant, they were raised or conditioned to be independent and self-sufficient. They tend to express a binary view of "weak" versus "strong". Vulnerability and relying on others is weak. And they'll always want to be strong. (Boy do I have news for you).

Anyway, as a result, they'll opt to meet their own needs, and only really trust and rely on themselves at the end of the day.

As adults, they tend to perceive reaches for connection and requests for needs as weak or burdensome while secretly wishing to have a connection or someone they can let down their guard with. Alas, they suppress their own emotions to avoid being weak and burdensome as well, or really, to avoid receiving the harsh rejection they have a tendency to project on others who do this.

They're not evil, though. They're actually really caring, just easily overwhelmed by emotions. They're more practical and pragmatic. They tend to be high-performers, more concerned with giving the "impression" of being able to handle their shit, extremely proud, emotionally distant.

Many avoidants believe they're doing their loved ones a favor by handling their own emotions and needs, never asking for anything. Conversely, they become overwhelmed, annoyed and/or judgmental or even parental toward others who can't meet them at that level. I often see dismissive avoidants lose respect for "weak" and vulnerable people.

Really, they're projecting their own insecurities around vulnerability onto others. And treating people the way they internally treat themselves for being emotional. Except honestly they're probably easier on you than they are on themselves.

Trigger: Literally anything they perceive as emotionally "weak" or "needy"

Primary Trauma Response: Fight

Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment Style

This person has a mixture of both avoidant and anxious.

Those I've met and spoken with tend to have the preoccupied and empathetic nature of anxious attachment with the vulnerability avoidance of the dismissive avoidant attachment. However, it's truly a spectrum, and disorganized attachment styles can lean in any direction.

Their childhood is marked by a sort of chaos where they didn't know what to expect from day to day. When was it safe to reach for connection? When would abuse occur? When would they have to fight for it? When would it be given freely?

There were no clear answers to any of these.

This could be because one or more caregivers were chaotic and disorganized, sending mixed signals from day to day. It could also be because they had different caregivers respond in different ways.

One that would be emotionally absent but not abusive, and another that would be abusive and punish reaches for connection or expression of needs, and so on.

If we consider insecure attachment styles (avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) a linear spectrum, the disorganized person lies close to the middle, and can fluctuate based on things like (but not limited to):

The energy of the person they're dealing with (like being in a relationship with an anxious person might push them into a more avoidant state, and vice versa)
The specific milestone (they can routinely be more avoidant and flighty around big milestones and commitments)
The specific topic at hand (for example they might be emotionally anxious but financially avoidant. So they may love quality time and emotional connection but aren't willing to share finances with their partner, talk about money, ask for help, etc.)
The season of life they're in (if they go through a big breakup after being stuck in an anxious state during the relationship, you may see them swing to a very avoidant and hyper-independent state, and vice versa)

It depends on the person and circumstances they grew up in.

But if you read both the anxious and avoidant sections below, and relate to a lot of what was said in each, thinking, "yeah that's me too, it just depends".

You probably have a disorganized attachment style.

P.S. I have a disorganized attachment style, and a lot of my advice here is from experience on both sides of the spectrum.

Trigger: Signs of unavailability, abandonment, reach for connection, desire for connection depending on the situation

Trauma Response: Any/All depending on the situation

Secure Attachment Style (#RelationshipGoals)

Securely attached people had caregivers who were consistently responsive when they were frightened or distressed. They felt comfortable seeking safety and reassurance from their caregivers growing up.

In adulthood, securely attached people pay this forward and are naturally interdependent. They don't mind giving reassurance and they're also comfortable asking for it. They don't have a harsh inner critic they're projecting onto everyone around them.

They're secure in taking reasonable space from their partners and are comfortable with their partners taking reasonable space from them. They feel comfortable relying on others and feel comfortable being relied on.

They don't shy away from connection, and they have an abundant mindset when it comes to love, generally trusting they can find a connection if they were to simply look for it and/or ask.

Instead of fighting for connection or running from it, they tend to reach for it, and have a reasonable response for whatever happens next.

They're not quick to take things personally in a relationship.

It's not that secure people never feel negative feelings in relationships, so much as they don't act in extremes the way insecure types do. They generally have appropriate responses for whatever's happening in the moment.

Secure types can become anxious when matched with avoidants who aren't able to meet them halfway, and they can also become more avoidant when matched with anxious types who won't budge on their rigid and extreme need for presence and effort.

But generally speaking, an insecure type who's willing to do the work to develop a more secure attachment, will generally do well by dating someone with a secure attachment style.

The issue is that the secure types are the ones we get bored with before we heal our own shit. They aren't chaotic like what we're used to.

Why Understanding Attachment Styles is the Key to Secure Relationships

Much like how we often can't heal trauma until we understand the root of it and how it's currently affecting us, it's going to be pretty tough to heal insecure attachment patterns without doing some work at the root of that as well.

Attachment Styles give us the blueprint.

They tell us where our relationship wounds are, so we know what we need to work on.

And, while attachment styles were originally thought to be pretty concrete, more recent research is finding that people are able to heal their attachment wounds. They can develop more secure attachment styles over time.

Even without the research, I can personally attest that I've made strides in my own work with my attachment style. And I'm disorganized - which is thought to be the most difficult to work on since it's a mixture of the other two, more erratic by nature, and tough to pin down.

Another thing to note is that people with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) can still have successful long-lasting relationships. It's totally possible and often does happen that we'll have a few close connections who just kind of "get it". They don't trigger our insecurities so much and we exist more easily with them.

This is a true thing that happens. So I don't want you thinking you'll never find love as you are or any of that shit. That ain't it.

What is it, though, is remembering how healing this will deepen, heal, and stabilize the relationships you have, while expanding your capacity to develop new healthy ones as well.

Ask yourself things like:

Am I experiencing vulnerability in these connections or are they more surface (avoidant & disorganized)
How much are we doing from a place of obligation, fear of jealousy and judgment, hurting peoples' feelings, etc. And would we all feel better being able to trust each other to say no? (anxious & disorganized)
On a scale of 1-10, how safe do I feel to really be myself? Am I masking with them? Do they mask with me? (ALL)
How would I like to experience deeper connections with the people currently in my life, and feel safer establishing new connections without going through that weird phase of feeling chaotic and insecure in the beginning? (ALL)
Would this help me with any job or career-related insecurities? (ALL)
How might this help me show up differently in community, family, etc? (ALL)
How else could this help me? (ALL)

Any of these are good enough reasons to work on your attachment wounds. Not out of a belief that you can't find romantic love without healing. But from a desire to experience all love in more, and deeper abundance from a generally secure space.

You have untapped potential. I think you'll be glad to bring it to life, here.

Practicing Security in Relationship

If you've been following me for a while you'll know that I consider pretty much all of this growth and healing shit a practice. Boundaries are a practice. Trust is a practice. Selfishness is a practice.

Secure Attachment is no different. In short: you grow by practicing growth.

You heal by practicing healing.

So, I'm going to go one by one through the insecure attachment styles and help you discover what healing can look like for you.

Feel free to disregard anything that doesn't feel applicable to you (everyone has their own story, I support you in whatever you choose for yours). And keep anything you find helpful.

We're Going to Dig Deeper Into:

Not just what these attachment wounds are but what they look and feel like.
How they might be harming your ability to form connections in all areas of life
What a more secure attachment style could look like for you (and why you want it)
How to develop a practice of secure attachment over time, as well as some extra resources to help.
(Coming soon) How to show up for loved ones with different attachment styles than youAlright, scroll down to your attachment style and dig in. If you aren't sure, read the intro section of each one.

If you still aren't sure, there's a quiz linked at the bottom of the article for you.

Anxious Attachment Wounds

I'm about to give you a list. If a bunch of it feels familiar, you'll know.

We're going in raw. Deep breath. You ready?

This is for you if you're one of those people who needs to beat a horse about whether or not someone cares about you based on this one thing they do and it's not like you like it either but this is what we've gotta do to for me to feel secure why don't they get that?

It's for you if you feel insecure when your partner and you separate for social events/settings, or in ways that aren't familiar (new jobs, new friends, etc.)

If you easily feel left out when not invited to events and social gatherings - even the ones you wouldn't want to go to anyway.

If being in conflict with someone you care about is an emergency. Arguments keep you up at night. You don't understand how they can sleep when everything is wrong right now.

If you often fixate on the idea that work colleagues are competition, even when it's time to brainstorm or work together for a solution instead of compete with one another for attention and accolades.

It's for you if you reach for connection and reassurance at the slightest change in tone from your partner. And if they don't sound convincing or flat-out convicted in that reassurance you struggle to give the benefit of the doubt or let it go.

It's for you if when the people in your life are having a bad day, bad week, etc. the first thing you wonder is if they're upset with you or if you did something wrong.

It's for you if you fixate on how the people in your life treat others compared to how they treat you. The idea that relationships can be different without there being a hierarchy of favorites or least favorites escapes you (i.e. sibling rivalry, jealousy in friendships and romantic relationships, how a boss treats a colleague).

This is for you if it drives you up a wall to be asked to respect a boundary you don't fully understand or endorse. Not because you don't strive to respect boundaries, but because you're sensitive to the idea that the boundary exists to get away from you, or is a sign that the relationship is threatened and the person is drifting away.

If you get insecure and fatalistic the first time the person you're dating misses a good morning text.

You generally don't adjust to changes in relational dynamics well, for fear that the change will signal something is wrong.

You feel validated when the people you care about choose you over other important people in and priorities their lives.

If you're routinely called "controlling" even though in your eyes you aren't trying to control anything, you're trying to tell them how you feel and if they loved you they should get it and change their behavior to accommodate you like you would for them if roles were reversed, right?

You're probably very good at picking up on behavior patterns and you'd feel so much better if they would just tell you why they're being different (and make it make absolute 100% perfect sense to you or you won't be able to accept their answer, even though you don't actually say that part out loud).

This is for you if you center all of your day-to-day decisions around what's going on with your partner (or favorite friend) and when they don't center you in their experience you become jealous, irritable, or insecure.

It's for you if you find yourself making arguments like, "When you're really into someone you text them back quickly. It takes 2 seconds." and no amount of someone being reasonably busy or distracted gets the benefit of your doubt.

This is for you if you've ever found yourself trying to convince someone to love you - or show you they mean it in ways that aren't natural to them.

Feel familiar?

Welcome to life with an anxious attachment style, my friend.

We've got some work to do.

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Where Else is Your Attachment Style Showing Up (And How)

While attachment styles are normally a topic of romance, this preoccupied anxiety of yours is probably showing up in other places.

Sure, you might have an area of life you're more secure and confident in, or even feel generally more secure in most other areas. That doesn't mean the anxiety isn't showing up elsewhere.

It just means the harm might be showing up in more subtle ways that fly under the radar. Just because it's not causing flat-out chaos the way it might in your romantic relationships, doesn't mean it's not causing harm.

So while you're here it's important to consider that it can also show up in work, friendships, familial relationships, networking events, etc.

Here are some examples:

You may struggle to believe your bosses or clients are happy with you unless they're giving consistent verbal validation about your work.
If they give any "negative" feedback, you may find yourself preoccupied with the idea that you're now considered a bad employee (even if they didn't say that or imply it at all)
The same goes for peers in the workplace. If they're not giving consistent praise, or if they express disagreement or dissatisfaction you may find yourself doing the same things (i.e. you internally struggle both in not receiving external validation and with receiving neutral and negative feedback)
You may struggle "sharing" your friends with other people. Even if you don't show it, you may look for indicators that this new person is a threat to your connection with your friend. When you do show it, it tends to sabotage your friendships.
If your loved ones make plans without you, you feel left out - even if they only didn't invite you because it's not the kind of thing you'd want to go to, or you don't like the people there, etc.
At networking events or mixers you may find yourself "reading into" the energy and behaviors around you. You may frequently get the impression that people dislike you based on small cues that are easy to misinterpret, but you struggle to let these ideas go.
When caregivers and family members express disappointment or concern you may have an anxious reaction about upsetting them, or not receiving their approval (even though as an adult their approval is no longer needed). You may find yourself arguing or pleading with them for understanding, people-pleasing to manipulate their feelings toward you, and feeling devastated or preoccupied with situations when they can't offer positive validation and feedback to you.
You may tend to people please and compromise in all of these areas for fear that if you don't, you'll upset people. And you low-key believe if you upset someone, in your eyes, that might give them cause to leave or rupture the relationship beyond repair in other ways. Which is your worst relational fear - abandonment?
If you really think about it, you may find that you're so preoccupied with others abandoning you, that it leads you to abandon yourself in other ways.
What other ways can you think of it showing up for you?

See, our attachment styles don't only show up in romantic relationships because they were never about romantic relationships. Nor were they ever really about our caregivers. What are they about?

Core beliefs about ourselves and relationships in general that latched onto us early, and stayed.

What's the Core Belief of Someone with an Anxious Attachment Style?

So the thing about behaviors is that they're driven by beliefs. Including beliefs we aren't aware of, and may even reject when called to consider them (I know I did).

Beliefs don't all live in a conscious place. Many of them are subconscious. That's what makes behavior change so tricky. Because you can't change it sustainably without changing the core belief that drives it.

And it's tough to change a belief you aren't even aware you're embodying.

So I want to be clear, this belief might not resonate immediately, and that's okay. Reject it if you need to, but I wouldn't be doing my job to not give you the option to reflect on it.

Here's what's probably the most commonly recorded core belief I've found that drives preoccupied attachment styles:

"I am not worthy of love, and when they realize that, they will abandon me."

In my experience, this is a tough thing for people with anxious attachment styles to even identify with on a conscious level.

And I get it. How could you not be worthy of love when you work so damn hard at it? When you're willing to bend so much, do so much, fight so hard for it or be so patient and understanding?

And honestly, that's fair.

I've made that SAME argument for myself in relationships that brought out my more preoccupied traits (I'm disorganized).

Then, life slapped me in the face, and I started to ask better questions. Like:

If the work I put in makes me more worthy of love, then why was I putting this person who did less on such a fucking pedestal?
And if they were - by this measure - less worthy of love in that situation, what does it say about my perception of myself that I altered my ENTIRE fucking life, social habits, day structure, etc. to win their trash ass favor?

(I was heated when I got around to asking these questions so we're just gonna keep that same energy in case you can relate)

Anyway, questions like these made it obvious to me that there was something I wasn't seeing. Something in myself.

I needed to keep digging...

Does someone who really believes they're worthy of love feel the need to prove it?
Do they fight so hard to be loved?

And at last...

If I'm inherently worthy of love, why do I perform for it like this?

The answer slapped me flat in the face. And it hurt. And it was worth it.

See, the tricky thing about our self-perception is that we can hide from it.

We compensate.

We cover it up. Dress it with style so it looks pretty. Charm so it looks charismatic. Humor so it looks fun and relatable. Compassion so it looks good-hearted. Courage so it looks strong. Honesty so it looks noble. Ambition so it looks valuable. Faithfulness so it looks trustworthy. Depth so it looks interesting and creative, maybe even wise. Passion so it feels true.

We cover our self-perception in all kinds of stuff and say "Yeah, look at all these things I do and accomplish and have, I'm worthy because I do and accomplish have these things."

And others believe us. And we believe we believe us.

And all the while, under the surface, the heart of our insecurity beats just as strong as it always has.

The wound is still out. Shitting all over what would otherwise be a great time.

Because self-worth was never about what you do. It was never about what you accomplished or what you have or what you "bring to the table" or how well you performed for love.

These are things you learned in childhood and believed. Things you believed when your caregivers forgot to teach you one very, very important thing...

Babe, you were a child. You deserved love for existing. Nothing else was ever required.

You were always worthy of love. For breathing. For being alive.

Your caregivers failed at being worthy of loving you.

But that's not the message you got. You got wounds instead.

And now you're carrying that, and compensating for it to cover it up, and desperate for someone to finally just prove to you - through their own performance - that you are worthy of all the suns and moons.

You want to see them perform at your level. Look how they drop everything to bring those suns and moons to you. To show you, with some grand gesture you can finally believe, that you've been worthy all along.

That, under the surface, is what the anxious attachment style is chasing.

Love that feels obvious, like a grand gesture.

A lifetime's worth of this grand demonstration.

But performance isn't love.

Acceptance is. Embracing the whole of you, is. Flaws and all.

And healing those wounds will land you there, where you should've been, had they not hurt you.

One Fair Warning

It's important to understand that you can't cover up or run from attachment wounds.

And you can't really hide them (they'll always show in your attachment style).

Anxious types try to do this. We try to outrun and out-perform that core belief. We try to bury it and reject it.

But it stays. The truth is, the only way to get rid of it is to face it head on.

Because if there's a part of you that believes it isn't worthy of love, you ignoring it, neglecting it, is repeating the cycle.

That is what your caregivers did to you that landed you here. Neglected it. Rejected it. They didn't heal it. Soothe it. Tend to it.

They told you to perform instead. And that's what you've been doing, ever since.

The solution?

It's annoyingly obvious, really.

You heal it by sitting with this part of yourself, and giving it the presence, reassurance, affection, protection and acknowledgment that it's needed all along.

The only way to heal it is by realizing you are your caregiver now. Not all these people you're chasing.

And you, and you alone, have the power to bring yourself all the suns and moons.

You are your redemption, and it's time to love yourself the way you should've been loved all along. This is how we break cycles. This is the work.

But it's a lot of work. So, what's in it for you?

How Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds Can Help You and Your Relationships

A part of moving into a secure attachment style is learning to recognize the kind of love, attention, and affection you actually need and deserve. It means you stop settling for less than that.

By default, this means you start to choose different types of relationships from the beginning.

Now you may find yourself falling for more avoidant types who activate your nervous system ("butterflies" and anxiety and wondering about them day & night).

But upon healing these attachment wounds, you may find yourself valuing people and relationships that feel safe from the beginning. You'll likely start to attract and be attracted to more secure types. People who are able to be available, reassure you in the ways you need, and who your nervous system can feel safe around.

It also means you may handle your relationships differently, including but not limited to:

You'll feel more secure in yourself and able to validate yourself
You won't feel dependent on any person to the point of crippling your own sense of independence or self-worth
When activated, you'll be able to self-soothe & regulate your emotions. You'll be able to sleep at night, even when you're arguing.
You develop the capacity to address any concerns in a clear-headed way that reestablishes connection, instead of a panicked one that can subconsciously pushes people away
You'll be able to wait patiently and gather more information instead of jumping to conclusions when something feels off. You'll feel comfortable in this.
You'll discover that relational conflict doesn't mean danger. You can have conflict with someone you care about and who cares about you without feeling threatened or going in a fatalistic direction about the relationship
You'll feel safe enough to give your partner and loved ones the benefit of the doubt
Small and reasonable changes won't sound alarms
You'll be able to give your partner and yourself some space to socialize and be a little more independent
You'll be able to see them clearly as who they are, instead of having to work so hard to see them through your own insecurities
You'll have relationships that aren't defined by performance and insecurities. Rather how your personality naturally jives with theirs. Real chemistry.
Which also creates more opportunities for fun, freedom, affection, and connection - all of which relationships need to really thrive
You'll have fewer experiences of people/partners claiming that you're smothering them in one form or another, because you'll be able to respect when they don't have the energy or time to be available without taking it personally.
You'll have a greater capacity to validate, spend time with, and emotionally cater to yourself and your own needs in those moments until they're back.
You'll have a greater capacity for trust, and a calmer nervous system as a result
You'll be able to freely give and receive in your relationships from a space of love instead of a space of survival - which feels very different.

I could keep going, but I think by now you get the point.

You get to feel better, more secure, and healthier when you work on healing anxious attachment wounds in relationships.

You get to have more fun, and fewer arguments. You get to connect more and worry less. You get to choose better people for yourself and trust those connections without trying to change who they are.

And this, in my opinion, is worth doing.

Healing Anxious Attachment Wounds

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Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Wounds

Alright Avoidant. You ready? See how many of these feel true to you. If it's enough, you'll know.

This is for you if you're one of those people who can bounce back quickly after a breakup. You weren't that dependent on them anyway. There's not that much to grieve.

And you're totally cool in causal relationships. It's everyone else who catches feelings.

It's for you if when someone comes to you for reassurance or a question about your energy, tone or behavior, and you tend to feel burdened, judgmental, and/or overwhelmed instead of empathetic or supportive.

Even if you have patience or empathy at first, you have a very low tolerance for people who need reassurance or check-ins more than once in a blue moon.

If you prioritize your independence over connection and feel smothered or even afraid easily at the thought of partnership and commitment.

Or honestly you might be cool with partnership & commitment but only with someone who will give you lots of space and not be weak whiny little PITA.

It's for you if you see vulnerability as weakness, and you prefer to handle your emotions on your own instead of sharing them. Even though deep down the idea of feeling safe in vulnerability with your partner sounds nice, you just can't bring yourself to really let your guard down that way.

If you do everything yourself instead of depending on anyone else for anything, you're safe. You don't ask for help because that's the strong, respectable way to be.

Your people should be grateful that you're not needy and can fend for yourself.

It's for you if someone in your life is having a bad day, and you automatically think the best way to support them is to get as far away as possible so they can have some space. Or alternatively, being the strong one, you parent their decisions and direct them on how to live their life.

It's for you if you love a casual or long-distance relationship that carries lighter levels of commitment and is easier to get away from.

You feel safer practicing relationship-type things with someone who doesn't actually expect a promise of committed relationships with you.

You always have an escape plan.

You feel judgmental about emotional sharing. You judge others for being emotionally open, and the idea of you being vulnrable or putting yourself out there without knowing without a doubt that you won't be humiliated makes you want to vom.

If there's a whiny character in the movie, that's 10/10 the one you hate.

You struggle to find romantic partners who don't ask for too much from you.

You're often the one in charge or otherwise the self-sufficient mind-your-business type so no one has to worry about you.

You miss people when you're apart, but easily feel smothered when they reach for connection and/or when you're together. This disrupts your ability to actually enjoy spending time with them.

You hate feeling like you need someone, and you get overwhelmed when others depend on you too much, even though you do your best to not show it or say anything.

This is for you if you run from vulnerability, even when you want it. You can't let yourself be soft.

This is the life of someone with an avoidant attachment style, my friend.

Time to do some work.

Where Else is Your Attachment Style Showing Up (And How)

Your avoidant attachment style shows up in your romantic relationships, but it also shows up in familial, friendly, and work relationships. Here are some other ways it might be showing up in your life:

You like to work independently. Even if you're friendly with coworkers and like being around them, you may not like group projects or depending on others' actions to perform well in your own role
You keep it light in most relationships, avoiding developing a deeper connection with anyone. This can make for a safe fun time with you, but many connections feel empty or surface level
You're highly self-sufficient, which can tend to be a compliment. But it also might speak to an imbalance when developing interdependence.
You might use work, school, or personal projects to avoid socializing and developing relationships
You might be judgmental or condescending of people who need help
You might hide ways you need help or support because you consider it weak. And in doing so, you're rejecting yourself, rejecting connecting with your support system, and potentially harming overall group projects and ability to achieve more
You can lack empathy for people you don't perceive as "strong". You tend to judge or pity them, instead of respecting them.
You can be very distrusting. It's extremely difficult to let people in.
You can have authority issues, resisting leadership in any capacity
You struggle to move through big milestones in relationships even when they make sense. For romantic relationships it's title, moving in, engagement, marriage, etc. But in business and friendships, it can also be things like becoming roommates, business partners, etc. might be extremely difficult or uncomfortable for you in times when they would make sense to a secure person.

If an avoidant attachment style is marked by extreme self-reliance, how else do you think this shows up for you?

What's the Core Belief of Someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style?

Just like with anxious attachment styles, avoidant behaviors are ultimately driven by beliefs. Including subconscious beliefs we aren't aware of or frequently challenge and reject.

We can't assess the behavior or dynamics we bring into our lives without looking into the beliefs that got us here.

So, here's what's probably the most commonly recorded core belief that drives avoidant behavior (that I've found):

I can't trust people/People aren't trustworthy.

If you're avoidant and reading this, this might feel familiar to you. It's easy, isn't it?

Vulnerability, needing from others, emotions - all signs of weakness.

All open you up to being hurt, embarrassed and humiliated. To feeling ashamed. To feeling weak.

Why be vulnerable with others, or rely on them at all, when all they'll do is let you down and make you feel like shit about it later?

Vulnerability is weakness.

But there's another layer for a lot of us.

After I spent some time alllll up in my preoccupied anxious attachment zone in a pretty toxic relationship, I got out of it and swung all the way to the other side - into extreme hyper-independence and a completely avoidant attachment style.

It's easy to feel secure when the only person you expect anything from is yourself.

What I wasn't saying out loud, though, is that I was also lonely. Even in a room full of people I loved and who loved me.

Luckily I had a really great therapist to help me out (i.e. hand me my ass).

One day in session she asked why I didn't like vulnerability.

"Because I don't trust people. I've been vulnerable before and people are shitty about it. Vulnerability feels weak."

"Are you afraid you can't trust people to respond well, or is it that you can't trust yourself to handle it?"

Man that question fucked me up.

Here I was thinking the strong thing to do was not need vulnerability and emotions.

When the truth was, I didn't trust myself to be strong in vulnerability.

The truth was that vulnerability itself wasn't the weakness.

My inability to handle it was.

And I was so afraid, and felt so weak, I'd rather stick my head in the sand and sacrifice meaningful connections, than be brave enough to stand strong in vulnerability.

That one question put all that shit into perspective for me.

I knew instantly, I needed to learn to trust myself with vulnerability.

I needed to trust myself to be wise enough to choose the right people to be vulnerable with, and strong enough to handle the outcome either way.

That is relational strength.

But, that's scary, and a lot of work.

So what's in it for you?

How Healing Avoidant Attachment Wounds Can Help You and Your Relationships

As an avoidant I'm going to assume you're a pretty logical person. Mainly because when I'm in an avoidant state I rationalize quite a bit. So let's rationalize this list really quick, about how moving to a secure place can help you.

Set the judgment and cringe around vulnerability and trusting others down for a minute, and imagine:

Having deeper, more powerful connections with people.
Not needing to be strong all the time. Knowing you have space to be soft. Rest. Let your guard down.
Discovering what it's like to experience vulnerability and safety at the same time
Discovering what it's like for your vulnerability to be met with tenderness instead of judgment and rejection
Feeling fuller within yourself, by feeling fuller in your relationships with others
Waking up grateful that you have people you can rely on, and who love the way they can naturally rely on you without pushing you to be someone different than who you are
Actually wanting to reciprocate affection with your partner and loved ones when they reach for it. Feeling joy in that.
And being able to trust that they'll do the same with you, without that hint of nausea popping up telling you to run
Not feeling like you're letting people down all the time because you're not able to be present and show up for emotional moments
Not seeing intimacy and vulnerability as pain, but as love and connection
Being able to depend on others to help you and support you in building the life you want for yourself
And getting joy out of showing up for them, too
Being generally satisfied and happy in romantic relationships instead of annoyed within a few months or a year, needing to break it off
Not having to start over again and again, because your relationships are sticking now. They last.
Feeling safe to express needs, emotions, and desires, without worrying you'll fall apart if it's not received well
Trusting people to be generally honest and dependable.
Trusting yourself to be vulnerable with people without feeling badly
Feeling comfortable in intimacy

Just imagine those things. Take a minute, seriously, to visualize it.

And if imagining those things feels good to you, you're ready to start practicing and developing a more secure attachment style.

Healing Avoidant Attachment Wounds

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Disorganized (Fearful Avoidant) Attachment Wounds

For a disorganized attachment style, you're a mixture of both anxious and avoidant. You'll read those sections above, and be able to relate to quite a bit of both of them.

So, this section is for you if you notice you're anxious when it comes to certain things and people and dynamics, and avoidant when it comes to other stuff and people and dynamics.

It's for you if your romantic relationships feel like a roller coaster and you flip flop between anxiously wanting them to stay and not being able to get away fast enough.

This is for you if you never really know what to expect, and it shows.

This is the life of someone with a disorganized attachment style. Time to do some work.

What's the Core Belief of Someone with a Disorganized Attachment Style?

Just like with the other insecure types, our behaviors are ultimately driven by our beliefs. Including subconscious beliefs we aren't aware of or frequently challenge and reject.

We can't assess the behavior or the dynamics we bring into our lives without looking into the beliefs that got us here.

So, here's what's probably the most commonly recorded core belief that drives disorganized behavior (that I've found):

It will hurt. It's just a matter of when.

If you're disorganized and reading this, this might feel familiar to you already.

At times, it's almost as if the entire relational experience for us has been one big gaslighting shit show. And it shows with how damn confused we act.

Even the most emotionally attuned people can be self-serving, harsh and dismissive in your experience in times when you least expected it.

And even the harshest or most dismissive people have shown you some of the deepest forms of tenderness.

It doesn't make any fucking sense. And now we're sensitive & confused af.

I'm with you.

Let's dig deeper.

Ultimately we develop this attachment style because we don't know who to trust, how to trust, or when it's safe to trust.

There are layers to people.

Sometimes it's okay to be connected and emotionally open. Sometimes it isn't.

Other times when we know it's safe, it's really only because this person is smothering us.

So sure, maybe we can trust them not to betray us, but we can't be ourselves. We can't breathe.

And it's damn near impossible to find balanced relationships.

To know when it's right or what to do about the things that go wrong.

No matter how many different things we try or experiment with, we can't seem to find answers.

How Healing Disorganized Attachment Wounds Can Help You and Your Relationships

If the disorganized attachment style is marked by a general desire to trust, along with a general distrust because nothing feels safe and good, let's consider what happens when that's alleviated.

You feel more confident in knowing who you can trust, when, and how
You're able to better navigate knowing when someone's in a space to receive vulnerability & connection
While also being better able to validate yourself and navigate when they're not in a space to receive it
You're able to step out of an anxious state to see people clearly, including their intentions, and navigate those in a way that feels healthy and safe to you
You develop a healthy level of self-reliance so you don't freak out when someone isn't able to show up for your needs
While also not teetering into avoidant & running away from them if they don't show up the way you want them to
You're able to handle and reciprocate other peoples' reaches for connection
And you're able to validate them when you can't reciprocate or show up in the way they're asking, so you can set boundaries without putting up barriers or forcing disconnects in the relationship
Instead of teetering between "I can only rely on myself" and "I'm not worthy of love", you find balance at "I am worthy of love from others, AND can rely on and love myself when I need to"

Will this help you?

Let's get to it.

Healing Disorganized Attachment Wounds

Since our attachment style is a mixture of both avoidant and anxious, I recommend looking through both of their healing pages below and deciding what feels relevant to you. Work from there.