On Being Seen

The loneliest time in my life was—unsurprisingly—the most cynical time in my life. 

It was easy for me to think someone had ulterior motives, was playing me or someone I care about for stupid, or being otherwise careless or reckless with me.

I wrote about this in The Art of Trust. 

Looking back on that time is always interesting. It was a season of being surrounded by people, deeply social, and feeling completely lonely anyway.

A lot of it was rooted in betrayal. Someone would lie because they were afraid and I would accuse them of trying to get one over on me, and off I'd go, defending myself from the "attack"...

I would often say something I hear people say today: 

“You could’ve been honest with me," as if the issue was that they didn't see me clearly and this blindness caused them to lie.

I didn't ask myself if I was really seeing them.

You kind of need to look at someone to know if they're looking back at you, you know?

The truth is that I wasn’t looking to know either way.

I wasn't seeing them, so of course I couldn’t see why it was irrelevant that it was “better” to be honest with me…

Irrelevant because I wasn’t keeping them from being honest to begin with. Their awareness, their own fears, their own capacity to face their fears, their capacity to navigate the conflict that comes with honesty…

All of these things keep people from being honest with themselves and whoever else they may owe some truth to. 

They didn't need to hear that they could've been honest with me.

A lot of them needed to hear from someone: "look, whatever you did you had your reasons. Remember that. And you can handle however this falls now. Be accountable, learn from it, forgive yourself for it, and trust that the people who are for you will still be in your corner when this blows over."

I didn’t see that. I was too busy fighting for them to see me. 

Making it about me. Their struggle. Their guilt and fear and how they (mis)handled them, about me.

We were all like this with each other, and about more than just lies.

We'd argue over who was right or wrong, a lot. Trying to be seen as good by being better than the next person.

We'd try to one-up one another, a lot. Trying to be seen as worthy, same math.

None of it worked. I don't think anyone felt seen.

I was in rooms full of people where almost everyone was plagued by some degree of loneliness.

Those rooms were full of people aching to be seen while refusing to see.

Tori

Seeing requires surrender.

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