The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

The self-fulfilling prophecy is usually in the setup.

We set people up to lie to us when we refuse to see and accept their truth.

We set people up to leave us when we refuse to receive and embrace their presence.

We set people up to fail us, subconsciously, when we're so busy expecting them to fail that we can't acknowledge their wins, however small, and say "I like that. Can you do more of that, please?"

We set people up to win, subconsciously, when we're so busy expecting them to win that we build them up to be bigger than their failures by saying "yeah, you're doing it. Look! So good."

This is not easy in scary and vulnerable worlds.

A lot of people live in scary and vulnerable worlds.

Growing up I always thought it was magical how, on tv, I'd see these trusting, noble "good" characters give that trust to "bad" characters who in no way earned it. And there the bad characters went, stepping into the light of the good character's expectations.

What is the name of this superpower? This trope?

The dynamic always felt true and false to me simultaneously. As in, I believed it could happen but I didn't understand how it could happen or how to trust it. Which is funny because now it's a central aspect of my role with my clients--to believe in them without bypassing their errors or missteps--and I see the impact of it daily.

They live up to my expectations daily, which is simply that they learn and find their way to wherever it is they're trying to get to. And that place is almost always a happier one than from where they came.

My perspective is organized around an understanding that the self-fulfilling prophecy is in the setup. They're coming to me to help set them up.

So...

A misstep is exactly that and it deserves its acknowledgment. But a misstep isn't the whole picture. A misstep, really, is only a moment in time. Maybe a painful moment. Surely a moment of consequence.

But it's only a moment. A moment to send the text, say the thing, make the choice.

Then, the next moment is here.

As soon as the very next moment, we can learn. We can grow. We can choose differently. We can make up for the moment prior and make something better of it. We can find our way around to making choices that feel better, more right, more true to us. And so often, we do exactly that. We just can't do it alone.

Never alone.

We need some things to help get us there.

We need time: the minutes after the misstep determine what we do next, who we choose to be and become.

We need someone to notice those small wins and acknowledgments and point them out to us. These wins start seeping into our identity. They become real and we start to gravitate toward them as they also become our North Star.

We need someone to remind us of who we are. To remind us how we have been honest in times we think we are an imposter. To point out ways we've made effort when we think we haven't done enough. To notice how we've shown we're capable when we doubt our ability.

If someone lies when they shouldn't have, and they come to me feeling guilty about the lie, I tell them it says more to me that they feel guilty and want to correct it than it does that they lied to begin with. Then I ask them what they want to do?

They follow the North Star. Every time. We need that.

Someone to remind us that while we make mistakes, yes, we aren't those mistakes. Look at all this other stuff that you've also done. Look at all these other things that are who you are. What are you going to do with all this other evidence over here? Because this is also you. And I'm not interested in throwing it out, personally. Look at the whole of yourself, make sense of it, then choose.

We need these reminders of how the "good" already exists in us so we can notice what parts of us we're trying to grow. To nurture. Which muscles we're trying to strengthen.

Because in most cases, we're not trying to grow something we lack. We're looking for more of a certain thing we already have. We just have to spend time with that thing, and it helps to have people remind us of that thing, pointing us back to that thing, believing and expecting it to already be there--because it is. They've seen it, and community is a responsibility to continue seeing it when we're blinded by our own choice and circumstance.

So this person, the "good" person, they don't ignore the faults and mistakes. But they don't ignore the good either.

You say you want to do this thing, be this way. You're too in your own mess to see that it's in you. So they hold that mirror up to show you, to remind you, trusting that once you see it you'll return to it too.

And when that doesn't happen?

When we point at a failure or a misstep and say "this is all that you are because this is what you do."

When we join people in their imposter syndrome and shame spirals?

Well, the self-fulfilling prophecy is usually in the setup, either way.

No one has any choice but to be who they believe they are, really. And whether we like it or not, we all shape those beliefs in one another. This is what it means to be a social species. We are tethered.

Tori