To Consume or Be Consumed.

Buddhism has taught me to be mindful of the seeds I nurture. If I’m taking in so much information that I’m in a panic, that I feel too overwhelmed and despairing to do anything of purpose—I need to notice how I’m nurturing the seed that takes me to that place. 

Recently I told my partner that I’m refocusing on being informed enough. That I’m not participating in the pattern of rage-consuming and sharing. This ritual we develop, I think, that creates an illusion of “doing something” when we’re at a loss for what we actually can do. As if informing ourselves to death is revolution. It is not.

I believe the pressure to stay informed and regurgitate information has become an achilles heel for the left. We’re expected to integrate information beyond any reasonable capacity to do so. I believe—as I think most of us do by now—the administration is taking advantage of this pressure by manufacturing chaos to keep us dysfunctional. I’ve believed this for a while. I made the adjustments I needed to make for myself on this front a long time ago. It’s a lesson I have to return to almost every year since, because it is hard. It feels unnatural, at times, like I’m saying “no” to empathy and liberation when I decide to put the phone down or scroll on. That is also an illusion. I’m doing the empathetic and liberating thing, I have to remind myself. I learned this in a painful way.

In 2016 I went to a protest to address the murders of Ty’re King and Henry Green. A young black boy and a young black man, both shot by Columbus PD. Columbus PD has a racism problem, but the people of Columbus know how to show up and show out in protest. So we showed up and shut down the house that night, four years before George Floyd protests would shut down the whole city and world.

Starting outside, we ventured indoors where our immediate objective was to block the city council meeting. To that end it was successful. Whatever was on the agenda didn’t happen. One person after another stood up to implore the city to do something about police brutality. Between those pleas and demands, we wouldn’t let the council so much as hear themselves think, the chants were so full of belly. The floors shook at our feet. Afterward I remember writing about their mothers being there. How their grief filled the room for us, and will always fill the room, for them. Because black boys don’t have the privilege of “just being boys” in America.

We talk about protest efficacy being about civil disobedience. If we aren’t disrupting something it’s not protest. This is true, and, in my opinion we don’t talk enough about how the art of protest is deeply energetic. The most effective protests I’ve been to will disrupt something inside of you and the people around you. In each of us, our love is set aflame alongside the collective we showed up with. And this feeling becomes the most visceral evidence we have of love being greater than hate. This gives us hope, courage and strength and these are our fuel. They fuel us in that moment and they fuel us forward as we work to dismantle massive and masterful systems of oppression. This fuel is a key ingredient because no single protest or demonstration will dismantle it all alone.

I do not believe anyone exited the room the same as they entered the night of the Columbus protest in 2016. It nurtured the seed of liberation in all of us.

Yet, this action was the most significant thing I showed up for in support for Ty’re, Henry, and Columbus against police brutality that year. Not because I didn’t want to do more. Not because I felt like it was enough (it wasn’t). But because after that, I took my fire and my fight online. Mainly directed toward the racists in the comments sections who were already newly emboldened by Trump’s rise to power that year.

These were people who, as far as I could tell, had no interest in being moved at all. Further, they were protected by a barrier: a screen and its bots. Things that empathy and passion cannot penetrate, especially without the recipients’ consent. The energetic work of protest is muted in this space.

I got a lot of rage out. I had cathartic “gotcha” moments. I scrolled and consumed as much as I spit out. About racism. About ACAB. About Trump and from his supporters. But all-in-all, it was fruitless, thankless “work”. I don’t remember changing a single heart or mind. All I did was add to the noise. Something I’ve vowed to never do since.

I didn’t feel the fuel drain from my body and spirit when it was happening. This is probably because I was blinded by the flux of catharsis and rage that was moving me in the end. But at some point it caught up with me. I broke down, fully weeping with some friends, repeating “It’s like they’re hunting us. Why are they killing us?”

I felt hopeless and overwhelmed. I felt ill. 

I see now what happened. I was no longer consuming. I was being consumed. And I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the seed I’d been nurturing. I was spilling the good, liberation energy I had cultivated into the wasteland of those comments sections and hate-posts. 

And I didn’t have to let it be a loss. This was a lesson.

They’ve always killed us. They’ve always hunted us. For centuries they’ve done things worse than death to us. And if appearances are telling, many of them would very much like to revisit the days they could do so freely. Without repercussion or consequence. This is what many of them are fighting for, and none of this is new now, nor was it then when I broke down. I entered the fight to begin with because all of these things were already true. But I didn’t nurture the seed that would keep me in the fight for long enough to see it through. The seed that would protect me from this depletion. This breakdown.

Coming out of my collapse I had a deep awareness that I hadn’t done “enough”. And by “enough”, I mean “as much as I could and wanted to”. Especially with my new understanding of what it meant to protect my energy.

And if I was going to correct that, I needed to remain stable for the causes I care about. To contribute to the work of abolishing the structures that oppress us and creating those that liberate us. To cultivate community and relationships that heal. These are huge endeavors, and I am no use to anyone if I am emotionally blinded and disabled by my rage and despair. 

So I needed to remain stable which meant I needed to understand my line between consuming and being consumed. I needed to understand this line so I could stay on the right side of it and nurture the best of me.

This led me to reflecting on what it means to be informed enough.

I don’t know anyone who’s been in liberation work who doesn’t learn this lesson at some point. It finds all of us and shows us a key point of self awareness. Of responsibility to self and to your community. 

Know your lane, know your line, and stay focused on those two things. 

Don’t let anyone tell you where your lane and line should be. Many will try. They will be wrong and you may notice they are new and/or young. Or they themselves have a habit of crashing out and burning out, living on the illusion of purposeful work that I mentioned before. You don’t need to judge them. Just know the lesson hasn’t found them yet. You will find yourself despairing and disabled again from obeying them, of no use to anyone.

Knowing about these lines is a point of wisdom and it is nonnegotiable.

Everyone’s line is drawn in a different place according to their own capacity. No one else can tell you where your line is anymore than they can tell you what your lane is, but you need to know for yourself where both of these things are. Because when you cross that line, you hand power over to certain forces. These forces revel in the knowledge that you are overwhelmed and despairing. They are aware of what it means for them when this happens: that your actions will not be organized nor will they be clear and targeted and effective. You will not be regulated enough to collaborate and organize with your peers. And in many ways your actions will not receive support because they will not appear sane or credible even to your peers. This happens even if the truth is that you are having a perfectly appropriate reaction to what you’ve consumed, which you are. That’s why it’s so predictable. 

You’re not having an abnormal reaction. You’re having a normal reaction to consuming too much grief, and they’re banking on that to do exactly what it was designed to do. Ruin your progress. Set you back. Make you feel crazy and hopeless.

The point is the ops don’t care. This is a win for them and this isn’t hyperbole. Reddit threads and far-right comment sections are filled with schadenfreude at the sight of “lefties” crashing out online. It fuels something in the worst of them. It affirms their aim and their progress toward their own causes. 

I have no desire to give my enemies more advantages than they already have over me and my situation. More power than they’ve already attained, here. So to the best of my ability, I do not lend them the power to disable my thinking, my resolve, and my fortitude. And I can carry this responsibility well so long as I mind my line between consuming and being consumed. 

And so can you.

The first point of practice is self awareness: if I catch myself doom-scrolling, chronically online looking for updates, or belligerently shouting into the void where no one will think of it for longer than the next 5 minutes….

If I catch myself doing this, it’s critical that I do not create the illusion for myself that I’m doing something of purpose or meaning toward my causes in these moments. I am feeding the chaos machine that’s designed to keep me in exactly this place—affecting no change whatsoever. It’s critical to notice that at that point in time, I am not consuming information, I am being consumed by despair and chaos. And I need to exit that place, come back home to myself and my community. To stabilize. To find my line again, and stay on the right side of it. 

Brush it off. It happens. It’s designed to.

And then, dedicate myself again to consuming enough. Be informed enough.

Enough to what?

To act.

That’s where the line is. At your point of effective, meaningful action.

If I learn something and I feel compelled to take meaningful action, without feeling overwhelmed, I can act on it. I can do something about it. When this happens I’m in a good position. My inner guidance practices chiming in at that point:

Put your phone down now and find your lane.

Your lane is your task. And just like the line is different for everyone, the task is, too. Your job is to find yours. It may not be handed to you, and it may be something creative, not generic.

Yes we have funders and protestors and people who call in for liberation. But make no mistake we also have artists and orators and organizers and writers for liberation. We have elders and advisors and counselors for liberation. We have investigators and grocery runners and safe-home operators and ride-shares for liberation. Your lane is your lane. Your task belongs to you.

I promise you that when you sit down and actually think about it, you’ll find something more fulfilling and meaningful than a “repost” button. Something that will give you fuel for the moment and the moments to come. Perhaps finding your lane is your first task upon getting offline.

Regardless of what that task is, the point is to consume enough to act on your task. To do something. And consume no more than that until the action is done. Do not worry that there is more to consume. Do not fall for the FOMO of what you’re missing. It is okay to miss consuming something that isn’t an immediate threat to your person. It’s much less okay to miss opportunities to do something.

The sneakiest way for you to miss an opportunity to do something is if you busy yourself too much with being consumed.

So a part of your work is to not get addicted to the gossip of politic. The gossip of politic is designed to ruin you. Become disgusted by it. Focus on making active, consistent contributions to collective liberation. This is how we get free.

Lastly, I also learned that I need to inform my people of my line. This in itself is a conversation around boundaries and wisdom to share. Because I learned that not everyone is where I’m at with this, yet we all have expectations of one another.

Some of my people are even more rigid than I with their line for consumption. They prioritize staying offline and in the streets and feel completely comfortable in their ignorance of what’s happening in the great distribution of information online. The people I’m talking about also happen to be highly effective organizers who have dedicated their life to some department of this work. 

Others appear to me to be consumed by the gossip of politic. I’m not God and I’m not policing them, even when I see some of them shouting into the void their attempts to police me and others like me. It’s not my job to know where their line is. Maybe they appear consumed to me because my stomach is a little thinner than theirs. Or maybe they actually are consumed. Maybe their line is in a different place than mine, or maybe they haven’t learned yet to find it—in which case me modeling the lesson will hopefully be useful to them. Giving them permission to be balanced in their approach to liberation and healing work.

Regardless, it’s important to communicate to people that you’re finding this balance and what it looks like to you. That the purpose of this balance is not to be uninformed or shut out the truth of what’s happening or to leave them in the chaos alone (they’re welcome to join you). 

The purpose is that of discovering what it means to be informed enough. That you will no longer participate in the consume-rage-despair cycle. That you’ve noticed it waters the seeds of defeat and hopelessness in you when right now, it’s critical for you to water your seeds of mobility, not overwhelm. Of hope, not despair. Of courage, not fear.

So that you can stop tapping out. So that you can tap in and stay here.

Let them know that if they learn of something emergent (affecting the immediate safety of you or the people you’re responsible for), to let you know. That information is welcome. Otherwise, ask them to be mindful of what they send you.

Because you’d rather be active than be consumed, and if you haven’t found your line yet, it is time to do so.

Tori