The Fight Stops at Attunement

My brother walks into the house at about 5am. I'm already up and about.

I'm not thinking about that guy before he gets there, but when he arrives I'm happy to see him. Suddenly I'm not thinking about anything else but my bestie.

"Good morning!" I beam.

He grunts "Morning" back to me.

I stop what I'm doing and take in a look at him before remembering what time it is. "Ah" I think to myself.

My brother loves me deeply and likes me most of the time. But at 5am, he doesn't want shit to do with me.

Walking over to the island I pour him a cup of coffee, black, how he likes it. He receives it with both hands, like a hug. I feel a silent "thank you" I don't need him to clarify.

I don't say another word until he's ready to speak.

At a small family gathering, my 2-yo niece - overdue for nap time - hurt herself by accident. She wasn't physically injured, but she pinched her finger and was really upset about it anyway.

I watched her go around to the other adults in the room that were close to her, one by one. And one by one, I watched her reject each of their attempts to comfort her.

Observing, I noticed most of these comforts were efforts to distract her from her pain or "cheer her up". Each time someone tried to fix the pain or give her a reason to smile instead, she would push away from them, change direction, and go to the next person, crying just as hard as she was to begin with.

Watching this, something in me just got it. She didn't want anyone to fix her feelings. She just needed to be held while she felt them.

I continued to watch her make her choices and eventually she came my way. I stood up off the couch as I picked her up, said "It's okay, I've got you", and just held her while pacing and rocking her.

She stayed with me.

I don't think it took a full minute before I realized she'd stopped crying. Her head was on my shoulder and she was getting heavier as she relaxed. I continued to pace and rock until finally, she fell asleep.

What is Attunement?

Attunement, like love, is a difficult thing to put words to. Difficult to define because it's a felt experience. It's energetic, and it comes with a lot of nuance and ambiguity.

Regardless of the examples above, make no mistake, I get attunement wrong often. This is something I'm still learning and still fucking up at on a regular basis.

But I do know that attunement is something we've all felt. It's something we're wired to long for, especially when we're struggling.

We've all been on the receiving end of moments of attunement and most of us have given the gift of attunement to someone in need. Even without realizing what we're doing.

Attunement is natural. Instinctive.

And simply put, to attune to someone is to see them clearly, empathetically, and act from that place.

To me, being on the receiving end of attunement is the moment you feel a simple but profound knowing that someone more than just gets "it"... They get you.

In that moment they see the plain truth of who you are and what you're experiencing and somehow they know--with accuracy--what kind of support you need. And they are equipped to give it. They do so simply and without expectation.

This aspect of them "getting you" and receiving you is deeply relaxing and grounding for your nervous system. It's felt, and creates trust and safety.

Attunement is not a fixed state or character trait. It is something that happens in moments and those moments are mostly fleeting.

But they are deeply meaningful, because even if just for a moment on this planet, there is no part of you that feels alone or outcast. This version of you, in this moment, feels seen and supported completely.

Being the giver of attunement means that we're the one "getting it". Getting them.

This requires a certain level of patience, empathy, and "wise mind".

We're not reacting to a person in these moments so much as we're observing them, receiving them, and responding from an accurately empathetic and compassionate place.

Just like they can feel us "get it", we also feel ourselves "get it". There's a recognition that happens. And when it does, something in us also knows that we've got them, in a way.

It feels powerful in a good, healthy, and secure way, when we attune well to another person. We have full confidence that what we choose to do next will be helpful. We can influence the moment in a loving, helpful way that will be received well.

The best support we give and receive comes from an attuned place.

For the IFSers reading this, we call this being "In Self". There are no "protector parts" at play protecting us from the other person's experience or expression (or our projection of it). Their experience and expression aren't a problem or a threat to us, therefore we don't need to project or protect.

We can just relax, see them clearly, and show up.

We're walking into a busy train station. My head is in my phone, distracted.

I snap out of my phone when I hear my partner (C) say "you want some help?". Looking up and through a sea of distracted and tunnel-vision people like myself, I see a lone girl trying to get too many heavy bags up too many steps.

No one notices she's struggling, but when C does the girl looks relieved and nods. C hops over and helps her get her bags up the rest of the steps.

We think of tiny moments like this giving us some faith in humanity. These tiny moments are moments of attunement.

The Fight Stops At Attunement

Attunement is the kind of thing I wish we had more explicit words to define. Clear frameworks to teach it. I wish we had these things because there's a lot of fighting right now, and the fight stops at attunement. Every time.

That's the one unambiguous thing about it.

The root of particularly fiery conflict isn't just misalignment of values or conflicting needs. Conflict escalates because mis-attunement happens when those things are brought to attention.

It's a misstep, a refusal, or an inability to really "get" one another, empathetically and compassionately, and sort our differences out from that place.

Attunement puts the fire of the fight out instantly.

Whether a person is having a lone fight within themselves (my niece, the girl at the train station) or it's two people fighting with one another, attunement is an immediate remedy for the tension.

Think about the times you've felt attuned to or been able to attune to someone else.

It instantly disarms the fight response, doesn't it?

C and I are having a disagreement. Nothing heated, just a back & forth.

In my mind, there's a decision that makes sense for us to make together. I wanted to know her preferences and to share my own and for us to find a middle ground. To me this felt simple.

She didn't want to share hers, and I was confused about why. For some reason when she told me why, I wasn't getting it. So round and round we started to go.

At some point it clicked. I heard the words she wasn't saying out loud. Then, I surrendered to the words as I said them out loud, myself:

"You feel like I'm putting you in an unfair position."

"Yes!" she exclaimed, relieved that I finally got it.

The back & forth halted right there.

The fight stopped at attunement.

We'll find another way. A way that doesn't feel unfair to either of us.

A Couple of Tips For Attuning

Attunement is natural and instinctive. It's also something we can practice intentionally. Needless to say, I recommend picking up attunement as a practice in your relationships and in general.

Making an effort to attune to yourself and attune to the people around you intentionally makes a huge difference in our relationships and, if you need a more "selfish" reason, it also helps your social confidence and sense of security in conflict. (See the note about feeling powerful).

There is no framework for attunement. There is no formula and there are no steps. But there are three things I try to remember that have helped me:

Step back and observe:

If you're feeling reactive, fixing or flying or fighting, you're too close. Back up. Zoom out until you feel safe to observe.

You can't attune to anyone else if you yourself are dysregulated.

Try to ground. Notice that you're not in danger. Or, from a more stoic standpoint, make peace with the risks in front of you. Surrender.

(This is how people attune well enough to talk down shooters. It happens).

Look for (and empathize with) what's not being said:

I'm not a fan of "mind reading." But, I have to admit, that in every example of attunement I have, there's this element of something unspoken being accurately assessed and acknowledged.

As in, the person doing the attuning is picking up on truths that aren't being said out loud explicitly, but those unspoken truths happen to be the ones that need to be heard and acknowledged, perhaps the most.

The person attuning is responding to those hidden truths that the other person is likely communicating in some way, but for whatever reason it's not an obvious communication.

This doesn’t require mind-reading though. They're using context clues and empathy.

And by doing that, they're saving the other person the emotional labor of having to over-explain or translate themselves to feel seen and understood. Which is especially helpful in a time of struggle when someone doesn't have capacity to over-explain.

My brother didn't have to spell out or remind me he wasn't fully awake yet. I read the room.

My niece couldn't communicate what she needed verbally. I just happened to notice the pattern.

The girl at the train station wasn't asking anyone for help, C just happened to notice the struggle.

And C didn't put the words "unfair position" in my mouth, but I found those words through context clues anyway by getting empathetically curious about what she was sharing with me.

Remember that empathy is about feelings, not situations:

One of the easiest ways to miss an opportunity for attunement is by judging the reason someone is feeling some type of way as illogical. We do this all the time (myself included). It's normal stuff. We don't have to vilify it.

It‘s just also unhelpful in moments when what someone really needs is to be attuned to.

Empathy is a central ingredient to attunement. We don't get one without the other.

And, empathy is about feelings, not situations. If you're feeling fear, and I too have felt fear, I can empathize with what you're feeling, regardless of whether I'd be afraid of exactly what you're afraid of, or whether I'd see it or express it the same way.

I certainly wouldn't have run around the kitchen crying if I'd hurt my finger, but I do know what it feels like to just want to be held, regardless of the reason that feeling is coming up for someone else.

The reason the feeling is here isn't mine to judge. It's not yours either.

The point is that it's here and it needs to be honored.

I'm venting on the phone with a friend about a couple of other friends.

I'd invited them to try hiking together and they weren't interested, so I started going alone. I'd hoped they'd try it, sure, but no big deal. They're not the outdoorsy types and I like hiking alone anyway.

It worked out for everyone, until...

One day I sent the group chat pictures from a waterfall I checked out. Suddenly, they all wanted to join on my next hike.

I felt annoyed.

On the phone with an uninvolved friend who doesn't know the people I'm talking about, I'm letting out some light steam on the matter:

"I wasn't sharing it to invite them. We all drop pictures in group chat. I'm used to going alone now, and now they want to come?"

I recognized even then how petty I sounded, but I kept going on about it anyway. Clearly it bothered me.

After listening to me fight angrily with myself for a bit my friend asks me a question, calmly and clearly:

"Tori, did they hurt your feelings?"

My "annoyed", prideful wall I was erecting immediately started cracking. This was evident by the stutter that came next. Something like:

"My feelings? Hurt? I mean...I don't..."

"I can be wrong, but it would make sense. I know my feelings would be hurt."

I didn't want to admit it at first, but she was right. My feelings were hurt.

After a minute the fight was gone. I felt more like my niece. A hug and a cry and a nap sounded much more up my alley.

Them wanting to come to see a waterfall sort of "rubbed in" the fact that me earnestly inviting them on this new adventure with me wasn't "enough". I handled it fine when the no was a no. But the double back added a level of context I felt rejected and hurt by.

It's worth highlighting that I didn't realize all of this on my own. I wasn't attuning to how I really felt, and I'm not sure I would have at that time in my life. I was stuck and ruminating in a prideful annoyance that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere fast.

It was my friend zooming out, observing, and attuning to what I wasn't saying out loud that redirected my attention. With that mirror held up, I got to see how I really felt, receive it myself, and attune to that myself.

And, like always, the fight stopped at attunement.

My pride crumbled and I allowed myself to just feel butthurt until I moved past it.

We let pride and fear ruin our relationships. We let it ruin community and humanity. We do this, I think, because we don't realize and trust the power of attunement to end fights, heal ruptures and--generally speaking--be the glue of security we really want in our relationships.

But that's what attunement is. The deepest form of emotional safety, security, and support that two people can offer one another.

In relationship, attunement takes two. In family and community, attunement takes many. One person can't do all of the work there. This is an aspect of relationship that works much better and is much more sustainable when it's reciprocal.

People who attune a lot but don't receive that in return will go through some form of "compassion fatigue". When their effort starts to buckle from the burnout, the relationship will strain.

We each have a role, and this is an important muscle for us all to cultivate.

When fight comes up in us as individuals, the work is to practice attuning to ourselves and to be open to receiving attunement from others. Even in your own raging thoughts, there's something that's unspoken there for you to attune to.

When in conflict with another person, we both have a really important role to try to attune not just to ourselves, but to the other. This is reciprocal work.

There is no framework. I have no formula for this. Nothing foolproof. But you're welcome to remember the tips:

1. If you're feeling reactive, zoom out and ground until you feel safe enough to be more responsive instead.
2. Observe from an empathetic place.
3. Look for the things they're not saying out loud. Really see them and their experience, whole and put it in your own words.
4. Remember empathy is about feelings, not situations or logistics. Avoid rationalizing.

Nobody's perfect at this work and nobody can be attuned to ourselves or other people 100% of the time.

Attunement happens in moments.

When a moment arises that feels safe and doable to you, it's an opportunity for you to practice it. That's all.

Rooting for You,

Tori

P.S. — The fight doesn't stop because someone wins the argument. It stops when both people finally feel seen. If you want to feel more seen in your relationships and offer that in return, this is the work I do with clients. See if we're a good fit.